How to be good: how to deal with psychopaths and other difficult people

I have the last year or so been in a very difficult situation. Not to go into to many details, I have on a close to daily basis dealt with a person I can’t really describe in any other words than “narcissistic psychopath”. These are of course very hard words (hence the need to not go into to many details) but they are in this case 100% true.

And if you have a person in your life that fits this description:



Here are a few tips. These are all tips I wish someone had given me when the person first came sailing in from the horizon.

Stand your ground.
This is maybe the most important advice I can give you.
The first time the ugly truth rears its head, it might sweep you off your feet. It might be hard when you get back up to understand what happened, at it might be hard to go back to where you initially stood and claim the ground as rightfully yours.
Define in your mind what used to be your responsibilities, privileges, roles and benefits, then think “has something really changed?” Find out if there’s any good reason why you whould loose any of these things, and if there’s not, claim them back with the honest lines of “these are my responsibilities, and I want to keep them”.

Doublecheck
Psychopaths often have this lovely trait of playing different groups up against each other. And if you think about it, is there any reason why your boss would give this new guy an assignment that normally is yours without telling you? Why would your oldest friend confide in the new chick things about you, that have never been issues before?
Don’t be afraid to say “hey, Mr. N said you wanted him to take over the P-case, would you mind confirming that?” or “hey, Miss N told me you have problems with me, I wouldn’t want to lose our friendship, would you mind telling me what the problems are so I can try to fix them, or clear up any misunderstandings?”.
Worst case scenario; you lose a case or find out your friend has a problem with you (that you now can work out)
Best case scenario; you find out it was all manipulations and lies.

Get it in writing (particularly at work)
A thing I noticed a lot with my lovely psycho is the need to take everything verbally on the phone. This gives the psycho the opportunity to say things like “as we discussed on the phone” or “so we’ll do this horrible plan, like we agreed on the phone” or “On the phone she told me It was okay for me to take over her cases”. Don’t bother. Don’t even try.
The first sign of manipulation, be very clear that you want things in e-mails or texts or discussed in front of your boss. Stop answering your phones (make lame excuses if you have to) and don’t give them a chance to manipulate you.

Be honest
Most of them can take TREMENDOUS amounts of “insults” without them ever getting through to them. But if you say honestly what you mean “I think you are manipulating and talking down to me, and I will not deal with your lies anymore” in front of your boss, you can always say with your conscience clear that you’ve never said anything about the psycho, that you haven’t said directly to the psycho.

Keep your path clean.
Be straight, honest, hard working and follow the protocol. Although the person in question may break 1000 rules to get what he/she wants, do not do the same mistakes.
You are better than that.
You can win by playing straight. It just takes a little more time.

Trust that people will see
It can be frustrating to no end to see this person Godzillaing your world beyond recognition without anyone else noticing. But keep your calm. Be honest about how you feel, even if you can’t put your finger on exactly _what_ they do that is so wrong, just let people know it doesn’t feel right. In the end they will start noticing to.

Remember you are not alone
Thousands of people deal with psychopaths every single day. Some even live with them, have them as parents, bosses, siblings or employees. If no one else listens, they will. You will find them if you look for them.

Find someone to lean on
I could NEVER have gone through this last year and half without my husband and my father, who believed in me, supported me and kept me calm. I do have my religious beliefs, but I still think the human support I had was extremely important. Find someone who’ll believe in you, who you can lean on, and let your guard down around. It makes all the difference. (If you don’t find one, I volunteer)

Think positive
I have this exercise I try to use every time I have to deal with the Psychopath. I try to find one thing about him or the circumstance that I can be grateful for or appreciate. It’s getting hard, and I have to admit I very often come back to “I’m grateful that this horrible person has made me stronger”, but that’s okay. Keeping a positive attitude makes everything easier,
dealing with psychopaths included. For more tips on positive thinking check out this post

Don't stay out of loyalty
I stayed a year to long at my workplace, out of loyalty to my boss. I shouldn't have. I was lucky and things turned out more or less the way I hoped, but I'm now exhausted, sick and still have to deal for another 7 months.
Look around for something else to do, and be honest about it. If the situation is to hard to handle, it is okay to say so. Even though it feels like betrayal at first.

Remember the problem is not you!
They will do all they can to make you feel that way, they'll manipulate, lie and abuse you. Just remember; it's not your fault, you are not the problem, you haven't lost your worth, you are not alone.