How to be good: how to deal with psychopaths and other difficult people

I have the last year or so been in a very difficult situation. Not to go into to many details, I have on a close to daily basis dealt with a person I can’t really describe in any other words than “narcissistic psychopath”. These are of course very hard words (hence the need to not go into to many details) but they are in this case 100% true.

And if you have a person in your life that fits this description:



Here are a few tips. These are all tips I wish someone had given me when the person first came sailing in from the horizon.

Stand your ground.
This is maybe the most important advice I can give you.
The first time the ugly truth rears its head, it might sweep you off your feet. It might be hard when you get back up to understand what happened, at it might be hard to go back to where you initially stood and claim the ground as rightfully yours.
Define in your mind what used to be your responsibilities, privileges, roles and benefits, then think “has something really changed?” Find out if there’s any good reason why you whould loose any of these things, and if there’s not, claim them back with the honest lines of “these are my responsibilities, and I want to keep them”.

Doublecheck
Psychopaths often have this lovely trait of playing different groups up against each other. And if you think about it, is there any reason why your boss would give this new guy an assignment that normally is yours without telling you? Why would your oldest friend confide in the new chick things about you, that have never been issues before?
Don’t be afraid to say “hey, Mr. N said you wanted him to take over the P-case, would you mind confirming that?” or “hey, Miss N told me you have problems with me, I wouldn’t want to lose our friendship, would you mind telling me what the problems are so I can try to fix them, or clear up any misunderstandings?”.
Worst case scenario; you lose a case or find out your friend has a problem with you (that you now can work out)
Best case scenario; you find out it was all manipulations and lies.

Get it in writing (particularly at work)
A thing I noticed a lot with my lovely psycho is the need to take everything verbally on the phone. This gives the psycho the opportunity to say things like “as we discussed on the phone” or “so we’ll do this horrible plan, like we agreed on the phone” or “On the phone she told me It was okay for me to take over her cases”. Don’t bother. Don’t even try.
The first sign of manipulation, be very clear that you want things in e-mails or texts or discussed in front of your boss. Stop answering your phones (make lame excuses if you have to) and don’t give them a chance to manipulate you.

Be honest
Most of them can take TREMENDOUS amounts of “insults” without them ever getting through to them. But if you say honestly what you mean “I think you are manipulating and talking down to me, and I will not deal with your lies anymore” in front of your boss, you can always say with your conscience clear that you’ve never said anything about the psycho, that you haven’t said directly to the psycho.

Keep your path clean.
Be straight, honest, hard working and follow the protocol. Although the person in question may break 1000 rules to get what he/she wants, do not do the same mistakes.
You are better than that.
You can win by playing straight. It just takes a little more time.

Trust that people will see
It can be frustrating to no end to see this person Godzillaing your world beyond recognition without anyone else noticing. But keep your calm. Be honest about how you feel, even if you can’t put your finger on exactly _what_ they do that is so wrong, just let people know it doesn’t feel right. In the end they will start noticing to.

Remember you are not alone
Thousands of people deal with psychopaths every single day. Some even live with them, have them as parents, bosses, siblings or employees. If no one else listens, they will. You will find them if you look for them.

Find someone to lean on
I could NEVER have gone through this last year and half without my husband and my father, who believed in me, supported me and kept me calm. I do have my religious beliefs, but I still think the human support I had was extremely important. Find someone who’ll believe in you, who you can lean on, and let your guard down around. It makes all the difference. (If you don’t find one, I volunteer)

Think positive
I have this exercise I try to use every time I have to deal with the Psychopath. I try to find one thing about him or the circumstance that I can be grateful for or appreciate. It’s getting hard, and I have to admit I very often come back to “I’m grateful that this horrible person has made me stronger”, but that’s okay. Keeping a positive attitude makes everything easier,
dealing with psychopaths included. For more tips on positive thinking check out this post

Don't stay out of loyalty
I stayed a year to long at my workplace, out of loyalty to my boss. I shouldn't have. I was lucky and things turned out more or less the way I hoped, but I'm now exhausted, sick and still have to deal for another 7 months.
Look around for something else to do, and be honest about it. If the situation is to hard to handle, it is okay to say so. Even though it feels like betrayal at first.

Remember the problem is not you!
They will do all they can to make you feel that way, they'll manipulate, lie and abuse you. Just remember; it's not your fault, you are not the problem, you haven't lost your worth, you are not alone.

How to be good: 10 liberating thoughts to stay positive!

A big and important part of being a good person is to be and stay positive. Life gives us lemons, and we have to deal with them. Making lemonade may sometimes seem like a daunting and hopeless task. Sometimes it feels like the lemons you are given are so rotten that lemonade is out of the question. These are the times where positive thinking can make your life a lot easier.

Positive thinking is not always easy, but it can be learned. The power of thought is a powerful thing, and if you practice thinking positive thoughts, it will get easier. After a while positive thoughts becomes a habit.

By practicing thinking positive thoughts, you will become a positive being.

It is time for you to take action and try to find out how positive thinking can change your life.

1. There’s always a silver lining

This is the easiest and most difficult of them all. In every given situation, there is a silver lining to be found. This is hard for some people to accept because yes, there is a lot cruelty going on around the world. And yes, bad stuff happens to good people. When all is said and done, this is however the basis for positive thinking.
I heard this story when I was about 12 years old, and it’s been such a guiding star for me for so many years that I cannot remember who told me anymore. The story really says it all about positive thinking though.

A young married couple got their first child after trying hard to get pregnant for several years. Only 2 weeks after the birth however, the husband lost his life in a tragic car crash. The widow focused her grief and sorrow towards gratefulness.
Yes, you heard me right. She was grateful. She was grateful for the years she got with her husband. She was grateful that he got to meet their beautiful daughter. She was grateful her daughter would have pictures of herself with her proud daddy. She was grateful that she would always see him in their daughter.
Losing her husband with an infant to take care of and all your hopes and dreams shattered is not an easy thing to deal with for anyone. But she got through it feling grateful for what she had.

There’s always a silver lining. Even though the silver lining might only be “I’m glad this didn’t happen before”

2. You’ve got a lot to be grateful for

Being grateful and aware of the things you’ve got will make it easier for you to think positive. Look around you, what do you have to be grateful for? Everything from your life and loved ones, down to the smell of fresh coffee in the morning will help you keep positive thoughts when things get rough

3. The worst case scenario is rarely that bad

We often worry sick over things that are small and insignificant. Look to the worst case scenario. Is it really more than you can handle? Is it really so horrible that you can’t face it? Go through the scenario and think “the worst thing that can happen is ……..” and then “that is bad because …….” And if necessary “and that is bad because …… “
Some times things really are more than we can handle alone. But most of the time it’s not.

4. A smile on your face puts a smile in your mind.

A very effective and very easy tip for positive thinking is to smile. When you find yourself worried, sad or depressed, notice your face. Notice your forehead, eyes and mouth. Relax your forehead. Smile. Try to make the smile go up to your eyes. Keep doing it for at least 30 seconds. Notice the changes in your mood and thought patterns.

5. Remember – You are not alone.

Even when the world seems like the loneliest place in the universe it is important to look around you and face the fact that you really are not alone.
You probably have friends and family somewhere that would love to help and advice you. If not, the internet is full of penpals waiting to make your acquaintance, there are thousands and thousands of blogs dedicated to things that will make you happy, there are probably hundreds if not thousands of people with the same questions, worries and problems as you. You can all find company online.
There are churches, help centers, phone advisors, emergency centers, doctors, priests, counselors, therapists, healers, teachers and even random strangers everywhere who can listen help and support you.
Really, you are not alone.

6. You could draw a straight line between you and anyone you’d like.

When I was younger my older sister worked on an orphanage in a small country in South America for a year. Some times when I missed her the most, I used to imagine a red thread going miles and miles between me and my sister. The fact that I with a long enough thread could connect to my sister, was really comforting to me.

7. It is your choice – you are in control of your life.

Sometimes it feels like a situation is forced upon us, and that we are pushed in to a decision we’re not really comfortable with. Often we think that “they leave us no choice but to …” but this is in fact never true. You’ve always got a choice. You are in control. The alternative might be out of the question, or “not a real option”, but it’s still your choice.

Meaning you are the one in control of your life.

8. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

You do not have to keep doing the things you do. You do not need to keep bad habits, hang with people you feel uncomfortable around, stay in a bad relationship or keep binge eating chocolate when no one is around. Tomorrow is a brand new day. You can make it the beginning of whatever you’d like.

9. You can do it!

Seriously you can! Search the internet, look at all the crazy unlikely things people do. People in wheelchairs cross continents. Blind people reach the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro. People with no arms cross the English Channel. Whatever your dream is, you can do it. It might take a bit of creativity, and maybe not happen the way you would prefer. But somehow you can do it. I know you can.

10. There’s still beauty in the world

Beautiful things make us happy. And no matter how dark and cloudy a day, there’s always beauty around you. Look to the skies, the threes and the rain, look to the people around you, the plants and animals, look to the street art, your coffee mug and the snail by your foot. There’s still beauty in the world. You just have to look for it.