How to be good: how to deal with psychopaths and other difficult people

I have the last year or so been in a very difficult situation. Not to go into to many details, I have on a close to daily basis dealt with a person I can’t really describe in any other words than “narcissistic psychopath”. These are of course very hard words (hence the need to not go into to many details) but they are in this case 100% true.

And if you have a person in your life that fits this description:



Here are a few tips. These are all tips I wish someone had given me when the person first came sailing in from the horizon.

Stand your ground.
This is maybe the most important advice I can give you.
The first time the ugly truth rears its head, it might sweep you off your feet. It might be hard when you get back up to understand what happened, at it might be hard to go back to where you initially stood and claim the ground as rightfully yours.
Define in your mind what used to be your responsibilities, privileges, roles and benefits, then think “has something really changed?” Find out if there’s any good reason why you whould loose any of these things, and if there’s not, claim them back with the honest lines of “these are my responsibilities, and I want to keep them”.

Doublecheck
Psychopaths often have this lovely trait of playing different groups up against each other. And if you think about it, is there any reason why your boss would give this new guy an assignment that normally is yours without telling you? Why would your oldest friend confide in the new chick things about you, that have never been issues before?
Don’t be afraid to say “hey, Mr. N said you wanted him to take over the P-case, would you mind confirming that?” or “hey, Miss N told me you have problems with me, I wouldn’t want to lose our friendship, would you mind telling me what the problems are so I can try to fix them, or clear up any misunderstandings?”.
Worst case scenario; you lose a case or find out your friend has a problem with you (that you now can work out)
Best case scenario; you find out it was all manipulations and lies.

Get it in writing (particularly at work)
A thing I noticed a lot with my lovely psycho is the need to take everything verbally on the phone. This gives the psycho the opportunity to say things like “as we discussed on the phone” or “so we’ll do this horrible plan, like we agreed on the phone” or “On the phone she told me It was okay for me to take over her cases”. Don’t bother. Don’t even try.
The first sign of manipulation, be very clear that you want things in e-mails or texts or discussed in front of your boss. Stop answering your phones (make lame excuses if you have to) and don’t give them a chance to manipulate you.

Be honest
Most of them can take TREMENDOUS amounts of “insults” without them ever getting through to them. But if you say honestly what you mean “I think you are manipulating and talking down to me, and I will not deal with your lies anymore” in front of your boss, you can always say with your conscience clear that you’ve never said anything about the psycho, that you haven’t said directly to the psycho.

Keep your path clean.
Be straight, honest, hard working and follow the protocol. Although the person in question may break 1000 rules to get what he/she wants, do not do the same mistakes.
You are better than that.
You can win by playing straight. It just takes a little more time.

Trust that people will see
It can be frustrating to no end to see this person Godzillaing your world beyond recognition without anyone else noticing. But keep your calm. Be honest about how you feel, even if you can’t put your finger on exactly _what_ they do that is so wrong, just let people know it doesn’t feel right. In the end they will start noticing to.

Remember you are not alone
Thousands of people deal with psychopaths every single day. Some even live with them, have them as parents, bosses, siblings or employees. If no one else listens, they will. You will find them if you look for them.

Find someone to lean on
I could NEVER have gone through this last year and half without my husband and my father, who believed in me, supported me and kept me calm. I do have my religious beliefs, but I still think the human support I had was extremely important. Find someone who’ll believe in you, who you can lean on, and let your guard down around. It makes all the difference. (If you don’t find one, I volunteer)

Think positive
I have this exercise I try to use every time I have to deal with the Psychopath. I try to find one thing about him or the circumstance that I can be grateful for or appreciate. It’s getting hard, and I have to admit I very often come back to “I’m grateful that this horrible person has made me stronger”, but that’s okay. Keeping a positive attitude makes everything easier,
dealing with psychopaths included. For more tips on positive thinking check out this post

Don't stay out of loyalty
I stayed a year to long at my workplace, out of loyalty to my boss. I shouldn't have. I was lucky and things turned out more or less the way I hoped, but I'm now exhausted, sick and still have to deal for another 7 months.
Look around for something else to do, and be honest about it. If the situation is to hard to handle, it is okay to say so. Even though it feels like betrayal at first.

Remember the problem is not you!
They will do all they can to make you feel that way, they'll manipulate, lie and abuse you. Just remember; it's not your fault, you are not the problem, you haven't lost your worth, you are not alone.

How to be good: make a difference

We live in a chaotic world. War, famine, pollution and death (bonus point for references) seem to be on the march. We fight amongst ourselves, we let hate and prejudice spread, we let religious differences, xenophobia and jealousy matter. And in this world it might seem hard to make a difference. But trust me; you can, and you probably do.

Time is precious

Donating your time is one of the best ways to make a difference, as time has become a luxury for most of us. Maybe you can help out on a local soup kitchen, or maybe you could spend your time planning something even more local? Look at your neighborhood, at your city or your community. What do you think is the problem? What do you think they need?
What can you do about it?
Could you arrange a meet and greet to bring the neighbors closer? Could you get all the parents in the street together to do a homework help night every week? Maybe you could arrange a meeting with information about the Islamic religion, and a meet-and-greet with local Muslim families? Or if you’re not the person to do it, maybe you could set the wheels in motion?

Do onto others

Making a difference is all about empathy. Look to the situation, the person or the people you want to make a difference to. What would you like someone to do, if you were in that situation?

Focus on the small things

You don’t have to change the world; you just have to do what you can. Try to make a difference to the people around you in everything you say and do. Inspire others to do the same, and in the end we could end all war.

The butterfly effect

Remember this simple fact: You cannot see the whole effect you have on your surroundings.
A study from scientists Fowler and Christakis of Harvard University came to this conclusion; a random act of generosity can influence dozens more.
Not only will the recipient of the first act be more likely to be generous to people around him, and that effect lasts for some time. But the people he is generous towards will also be more likely to be generous to other people up to three degrees of separation.

This makes it really easy to make a small difference in the world. Try buying a meal to a homeless person instead of throwing him a couple of quarters, bringing an unexpected coffee to someone at work, arranging a neighborhood event or donating money to an important project. No matter the size of the act, it will still have effect far beyond the act itself.

This fact is unfortunately also true with selfishness.

Remember to tell

When someone makes a difference in your life, tell them. When someone says or does something that sticks with you, or gives you something that brightens your whole day, remember to say so. Make it accepted among your friends and colleagues to say “you really made the difference today!” It will brighten up their day, and it will make it easier for them to tell you back.

The need of the one

Taking care of yourself so people don’t have to worry about you, so you don’t need to spend energy on depression, jealousy and anger, it’s all important to function well and being able to give 100% of yourself. Don’t feel bad if you need to spend time on yourself. A healthy mind in a healthy body is nothing more than you deserve.

The need of the few

One thing I’ve learned in my life as a religious person trying to speak my truth is this; no matter how mundane and trivial the things you feel like sharing are; it might be just the thing someone needs to hear. That is probably what has surprised me most about this blog, the things I write that really goes to heart seem to be small things that just “hit the spot” for someone. If you dare to speak your truth

The need of the many

Be a good role model, they are sorely needed. Promote respect, integrity and empathy, and make the world a better place.

You can do it!

How to be good: 10 liberating thoughts to stay positive!

A big and important part of being a good person is to be and stay positive. Life gives us lemons, and we have to deal with them. Making lemonade may sometimes seem like a daunting and hopeless task. Sometimes it feels like the lemons you are given are so rotten that lemonade is out of the question. These are the times where positive thinking can make your life a lot easier.

Positive thinking is not always easy, but it can be learned. The power of thought is a powerful thing, and if you practice thinking positive thoughts, it will get easier. After a while positive thoughts becomes a habit.

By practicing thinking positive thoughts, you will become a positive being.

It is time for you to take action and try to find out how positive thinking can change your life.

1. There’s always a silver lining

This is the easiest and most difficult of them all. In every given situation, there is a silver lining to be found. This is hard for some people to accept because yes, there is a lot cruelty going on around the world. And yes, bad stuff happens to good people. When all is said and done, this is however the basis for positive thinking.
I heard this story when I was about 12 years old, and it’s been such a guiding star for me for so many years that I cannot remember who told me anymore. The story really says it all about positive thinking though.

A young married couple got their first child after trying hard to get pregnant for several years. Only 2 weeks after the birth however, the husband lost his life in a tragic car crash. The widow focused her grief and sorrow towards gratefulness.
Yes, you heard me right. She was grateful. She was grateful for the years she got with her husband. She was grateful that he got to meet their beautiful daughter. She was grateful her daughter would have pictures of herself with her proud daddy. She was grateful that she would always see him in their daughter.
Losing her husband with an infant to take care of and all your hopes and dreams shattered is not an easy thing to deal with for anyone. But she got through it feling grateful for what she had.

There’s always a silver lining. Even though the silver lining might only be “I’m glad this didn’t happen before”

2. You’ve got a lot to be grateful for

Being grateful and aware of the things you’ve got will make it easier for you to think positive. Look around you, what do you have to be grateful for? Everything from your life and loved ones, down to the smell of fresh coffee in the morning will help you keep positive thoughts when things get rough

3. The worst case scenario is rarely that bad

We often worry sick over things that are small and insignificant. Look to the worst case scenario. Is it really more than you can handle? Is it really so horrible that you can’t face it? Go through the scenario and think “the worst thing that can happen is ……..” and then “that is bad because …….” And if necessary “and that is bad because …… “
Some times things really are more than we can handle alone. But most of the time it’s not.

4. A smile on your face puts a smile in your mind.

A very effective and very easy tip for positive thinking is to smile. When you find yourself worried, sad or depressed, notice your face. Notice your forehead, eyes and mouth. Relax your forehead. Smile. Try to make the smile go up to your eyes. Keep doing it for at least 30 seconds. Notice the changes in your mood and thought patterns.

5. Remember – You are not alone.

Even when the world seems like the loneliest place in the universe it is important to look around you and face the fact that you really are not alone.
You probably have friends and family somewhere that would love to help and advice you. If not, the internet is full of penpals waiting to make your acquaintance, there are thousands and thousands of blogs dedicated to things that will make you happy, there are probably hundreds if not thousands of people with the same questions, worries and problems as you. You can all find company online.
There are churches, help centers, phone advisors, emergency centers, doctors, priests, counselors, therapists, healers, teachers and even random strangers everywhere who can listen help and support you.
Really, you are not alone.

6. You could draw a straight line between you and anyone you’d like.

When I was younger my older sister worked on an orphanage in a small country in South America for a year. Some times when I missed her the most, I used to imagine a red thread going miles and miles between me and my sister. The fact that I with a long enough thread could connect to my sister, was really comforting to me.

7. It is your choice – you are in control of your life.

Sometimes it feels like a situation is forced upon us, and that we are pushed in to a decision we’re not really comfortable with. Often we think that “they leave us no choice but to …” but this is in fact never true. You’ve always got a choice. You are in control. The alternative might be out of the question, or “not a real option”, but it’s still your choice.

Meaning you are the one in control of your life.

8. Tomorrow is a brand new day.

You do not have to keep doing the things you do. You do not need to keep bad habits, hang with people you feel uncomfortable around, stay in a bad relationship or keep binge eating chocolate when no one is around. Tomorrow is a brand new day. You can make it the beginning of whatever you’d like.

9. You can do it!

Seriously you can! Search the internet, look at all the crazy unlikely things people do. People in wheelchairs cross continents. Blind people reach the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro. People with no arms cross the English Channel. Whatever your dream is, you can do it. It might take a bit of creativity, and maybe not happen the way you would prefer. But somehow you can do it. I know you can.

10. There’s still beauty in the world

Beautiful things make us happy. And no matter how dark and cloudy a day, there’s always beauty around you. Look to the skies, the threes and the rain, look to the people around you, the plants and animals, look to the street art, your coffee mug and the snail by your foot. There’s still beauty in the world. You just have to look for it.

How to be good; admit defeat

Hello all my (unbelievably) loyal followers.
So, for 3 months you never stopped checking for updates. That is impressing. I still laugh a bit every time I get an update from the place monitoring visits on my site.
I am back!

A key part to being a good person seems to be to admit defeat, and move on. This is me admitting defeat.
I will not (!) try 200 new recipes. Nopes. I won’t. Neither will I restrict my blog to 500 days.
From now on I go without script. I’ll update with food and recipes as before, and keep exploring what it is to “be good”, without restrictions or goals.

The good part about my absence is the number of new posts I’ve written about being good. I’ll post them in the next couple of months, mixed with personal stuff as before.

I am back, thank you for sticking with me!

How to be good: Be grateful!

So this is one of those rare days where I'm just not feeling to good, my body disagrees with me, my head can't seem to focus and i don't have the energy level i would prefer.
But I am one thing, that always gets me through these days with a smile on my face.
I am grateful.

For the last year i have regularly updated my facebook statuses with gratefulness. From big lifechanging things to small everyday pleasures.
Gratefulness is the largest word on my wall, the thing i keep reminding my self to feel.

And it has changed my life. Gratitude is rewarding, it makes you appreciate the small things, just because we all "run out" of large things to be gratefull for really fast.
By reminding yourself to be gratefull for new things every day, your mind opens to the things around you that you previously maybe took for granted.

Here are my gratefulness tips:

1. Make a gratefulness journal
Be it a scrap of paper in your pocket, a blog, your statusupdates, a daily twitter or a designated book, try to write down 3 or more things each day that you are grateful for.
If it seems hard to commit, put a timeframe to it. 30 days, 50 days, half a year, or even a week if that is what you can master.

2. Think big
Look at your life as a whole. Yes you might be grateful for your friends, your family, your boy/girlfriend, your job, your car and so on. But these points will run out after a day or two.
How about the fact that you have a job? The fact that your lungs fill with air. That you can move, smile, talk. That you are allive. That you have a roof over your head. Huge things that we often take for granted, but that are importent to notice and be grateful for.

3. Think small
Look at the everyday things you appreciate. The taste of your favourite tea, your new nailpolish, the way roses smell, the cat that lives down the street, the way your kid smiles and so on and so forth. Little things that makes life better.

4. Contemplate
Start noticing the way you feel when you meet, feel, smell, taste, experience or see new things. Notice your reaction.

5. Spread the word
After I started puting my gratefulness journal in my status update, people have shared the things they are grateful for. Some of them have even written comments that they are grateful they have a friend who reminds them to be grateful.
Telling people you are happy they exist, that you appreciate the way they smile or something they have done is polite (we should all say thank you more often!) but also turns both you and your friend's attention towards being grateful.

These tips have worked very well for me.
I noticed the change best when i had to face a person i find it hard to respect and talk to, a person who makes me feel small and unworthy. I tried to turn my attention towards being grateful and came up with these points:

- I am grateful I am not like him
- I am grateful I have learned so much self control after meeting him
- I am grateful he has made me stronger
- I am grateful even people like him can be loved
- I am grateful I don't have to meet him too often...